WHY?

Today was a shitty day. It really did not start off that shitty, just the usual, " Mom, we need lunch money" or "gas money routine"  I am used to that. The Racoon got up out of the Rack at an unusually early time this morning, not sure why he was up so early other than to obscess over being anxious. So , being the co-dependent  red neck hawt mess of a wife that I am, got up to see what all the anxiety is about....it's TMI to talk about it on a blogspot....Iam getting real close to losing all of my "give a shit" that God has given to me.  I am still struggling with my "purpose" my "lesson" that I am supposed to be learning in this lifetime.

The Baby Headed Racoon and I leave around 11am to take his TiaJuana Taxi to the tire place to get a tire fixed. He is ALWAYS having to fix a tire. Because he does not pay attention to the road, he is too busy talking on the cell phone, looking for his lighter, smoking, with a diet coke in the cup holder spilling everywhere while he makes illegal turns and lane changes. He dared honk the horn with Road Rage while I was in the car at a stop light because a RedNeck spit a big ole wad of chew out the window. I thought I was gonna strangle him right then and there. We went to the Sonic which was fairly uneventful. As we were leaving I demanded a detour at Tulips for a nice fresh heavenly cupcake...you would have thought  I wanted to pull into the Lexus dealership and buy a car the way he acted, and then it was a big fat effing fight over a CUPCAKE!! I will NOT be controlled by a babyheaded Racoon! He says 'You are on a diet, you will THANK ME, for not letting you get cupcakes" BULLSHIT....get me a CUPAKE!! Now I am PISSED....so we go home and the smackdown is ON....over a cupcake....don't get me started on YOUR bad freaking habits!! I settled into my day off Life in Hell routine which includes wanderng around aimlessly in my house wondering "Where do I start?"   

Anyway, there were several little "triggers" today that sent me into a cry me a river lose control of my emotions, cryfest this afternoon. There are days that are just so very hard to get through. Who knew 27 years ago when I was rocking a collicky baby and changing diapers and bonding with such a beautiful baby boy, that I would stand at the foot of his grave someday, and be forever changed by the loss. Some people are emotionally retarded when it comes to dealing with bereavement issues "you aren't over that yet?" "It's time for you to move on from that" Without a doubt , I know I will never be over this. I might get conditioned and emotionally tolerant to the overwhelming grief I feel today. But I will never be over it.

I sat and made some jewelry tonight, Racoon caved this afternoon and went to Tulips and bought me cupcakes. Cupcakes make EVERYTHING all better! Just like a hug from my children,my granddaughter, that stinkin pesky Raccoon....Peace Hugs and Love!